What was your Worst First Kiss?
So last week we chatted BEST first kisses and you guys linked some wicked blog posts plus gave up the goods in the comments. THIS week as per a suggestion from Brittany Nickolas, we are talking about the worst! Do tell, what/ where/ when was your worst? In the between time, here is the dark tale of mine…
“Oh and by the way, your car smells like melted cheese over burnt tires.”
He climbed out the passenger seat and closed the door to my maroon Hyundai Elantra. For a moment I tried to slickly smell the seat covers but then I just remixed the motion into a shrug. He reappeared around my driver side door and opened it with an extended hand.
“So why didn’t you take me to the car cleaners instead of the stupid horse show?” I said standing onto the street with him.
He laughed, “Stop fronting, you had fun.”
We walked towards his house and I wondered if it was really such a good idea to end our first date off in there. Not that I didn’t trust myself, I just didn’t really approve of how it looked or how it could be spun. But our conversation had been so good on the car ride home from the horse show that it seemed odd to cap it off just because we had nowhere else to drive to. We walked towards his door and both died of laughter when we spotted someone who slipped on the icy sidewalk a few houses down.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had this much fun on a first date,” he said resting his hand on my side. “Whenever we are together we shouldn’t even call it a date, we should find a more exciting word, something that says prepare to have a kick ass time.”
Our chemistry was easy, too damn easy. There were never any awkward pauses, dead holes or nerves at all. Instead our communication was natural filled with familiarities like: don’t be stupid, shut up dummy, okay stop your crying you baby bitch. But I guess this is the kind of talk expected between friends. Well, a loose interpretation of friendship since he technically was MY FRIEND’s ex boyfriend. But I promise you.., when I agreed to go on this experimental date with him, it was purely under the premise that she was over him and he was over her…
Now don’t get me wrong, the date was fun but it had enough unecessary and missing ingredients to let us both know that this would never go anywhere. For starters her brought out my WILD side – the version of Shannon reserved for videos, friends and families (not for males that I hope to see me in a romantic light). I was OVERLY comfortable around him, I even spent the ladder half of our time at the horse show speaking in my male porn voice, “oh yeah, oh yeah. You like the horse don’t ya? Yeah, you wanna ride his back, don’t ya? Mmmm yeah…”
And then there was his obvious unresolved issues with his ex (aka my friend). Yeah, nothing says, this bus won’t make that leap of faith, like this script: so has ____ talked about me recently?… Uhhh no she hasn’t actually… Well good because I don’t talk about her either… Aren’t you technically talking about her right now? … - awkward silence
But despite these waving red flags, I decided to see this thing through. To boot, it was only 10:30 p.m. – not dirty slore hours yet so it was relatively safe to go inside.
His house was eerily still, especially since he had warned me that his family was actually home.
“Must have gone to bed,” he said answering my thoughts. “This way, my room is in the basement.”
In his room there was a wall lined with photos, so I did what most people do when they are unsure of where to sit – I stalled by looking through them. Some were hilarious, others adrorable. While we I stared at his frozen faces I came to the conclusion that he was unlike any other black guy I had ever seen before. For starters he was lighter than I but with a deeper undertone which made us about the same complexion. He also had fuller lips and a flatter nose yet somehow – without even having a drop in him – he looked like he could be full Indian! Personally I don’t think he is traditionally goodlooking by any means but in his own way, he is very handsome.
“What movie do you want to watch?”
His voice almost startled me, “Guy all of a sudden you wanna ask my opinion? You chose the horse show and that wack burger spot so you can choose the movie. This way when you fail at this too, I can officially say that you have bad taste in life.”
He threw a DVD at me, I ducked and it knocked down a photo. I smiled with self-amusement.
He put in some Denzel movie that I had never heard of before and then he went and laid on his bed. I sighed and then opened my phone to set an alarm for midnight (I was not trying to end up falling asleep in this guy’s bed or something – one movie then I was out.
I went over and sat on the edge of his bed with enough room to cross my legs.
“You make a better door than a window.”
I turned around to see that he had changed sides so that I was sitting directly infront of his TV view.
“Lie back here so I can at least watch the movie, selfish.”
I took the pillow beside him and lay stiffly on my side. There was no sexual tension in the air but rather a mutual curiosity/ discomfort I guess. For the first time that night I felt uneasy. Unsure of whether I should: fake sleep to avoid the kiss or put on lip gloss to prepare for it.
“Did you have fun tonight?” he said with a voice I did not recognize.
He pulled me into his body with my forhead against his chin. It was the kind of aggressive move that should lead to something but in actuality neither of us budged. We stayed crouched in this awkward fettle position for half-a-damn-hour! It was the kind of arrangement you might find a brother and sister who were trying to keep warm after getting lost in the forest, in. We both took short breaths until eventually I could stand no more, I pushed against his chest to make some room and in that moment he looked down on me and then to the TV. Denzel and the leading lady were making out, oh great!! He looked back at me with narrow eyes and parted lips. You know the routine: he moved 80, I moved 20 and we kissed.
The first three seconds were OKAY. No fireworks or butterflies but not terrible. I think he sensed the mediocrity but instead of backing away with a polite okay so that didn’t work smile , he apparently decided to pick up a flint to FORCE the sparks. He rolled ontop of me, pinning my hands above my head and then proceeded to do what could only be described as facial abuse. His tongue and lips were everywhere! Now I mentioned he had big lips right, but they had somehow quadrupled in size, so much so that I could swear he was kissing my entire face at once. Then the tell-tale sign of a horrible first kiss: a thick river of saliva ran under my chin and along the side of my neck. Since his hands were holding my wrists, he used his chin to nudge my face around playfully – or maybe that was his lips doing the pushing, I was too far gone into panic mode to decipher.
I found myself struggling for air, wondering how one person could be so cruel to an innocent bystander. Honestly, I bet that he also considers me his worst kiss because two minutes into the attack, I decided that my best defense was to play dead.
–BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP–
It was the first time I had been happy to hear my alarm. He moved his face to the side, pressing his ear against my lips as he tried to decide where the noise was coming from.
“My phone,” I said struggling to get the words out under his weight.
“You set an alarm?” he said accusingly.
I shrugged with nothing left to say but, “Oh yeah, oh yeah. Mmmm yeah, you like that don’t ya?”
When we got outside a fresh foot of snow rested innocently on my car. He helped me clear it off and then walked me to the driver side door, looking about as uncomfortable as I felt, “We should do this again soon.” His tone wreaked of bad scripting.
“Yeah, you’d like that huh? You want that don’t ya?”
He gave me a saracstic smile and then moved to kiss me at the same time I moved towards him, fearing a collision we both pulled back and then I slipped in the snow. He laughed, pulled me up and pulled me close for a second crack. After five more seconds of tonguing me down I pulled away then climbed down into my seat. He began to walk towards his house then turned back and waved. I waved in return and then quickly used my free hand to clean up the saliva before it froze on my skin.
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