Am I Sexist, Arrogant or Right About Males?
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I am nearing max friends on Facebook and this worries me! I am the kind of person who excepts every request because I am a full-time freelancer and people knowing me/ what I do is the only way to sustain in this field. As I’ve often preached to others who only accept requests from familiar faces:
“You never know when you are going to need people: people to buy your product, support your cause, help you spread the word, share a new perspective. There will come a time in your life where you WILL have to people-collect and you will look back on the instances where you turned those who came to YOU away, and be upset with yourself. You may find yourself going door to door, flyering random cars, trying to stop strangers in the street when you could have been sitting in the comfort of your home informing the people who have already expressed an interest in you and what you are about.”
Yet, as I near the cap of my people collecting, I find myself looking back and regretting all of the YES’ I handed out to complete strangers and sadly, it’s only the male connections I wish I could undo. I already find myself trying to clear cap space by deleting dudes who post or tag me in randomness, unfriending the ones who share offensive content and of course rejecting all new male requests (unless they send a note or I actually know them).
I started to reflect on this practice and I noticed that it isn’t only in this realm that I purposely seek to exclude the opposite sex. In my everyday life I am less likely to return a compliment with a smile from a dude and if ever I am in jovial conversation with a male, a part of me is thinking I should backaway before I send the wrong signal. Today I was on my bike and a girl who was walking by said, “you go girl!” I smiled right back and returned the wave. About a half hour later a guy leaned his head out of the passenger side of a car and said, “Ride that bike!”
I flipped up my middle finger, twisted my face and turned the corner.
Why did I do that? Was his comment much different than the females? No, it wasn’t. But as soon as said male stuck his head out of the window my guard was already up here comes some ignorant sexual comment. He could have been trying to tell me a I had a flat tire, or warn me of a pothole ahead or maybe he just saw a person on a bike and wanted to send a kudos.
So here lies the problem…my key objective when social networking (online or in-person) is to connect with like-minded people on a strictly business or intellectual sense. I am not looking to find love, a date or a “new friend.” And unfortunately/ sadly I have a hard time believing that males who show any kind of interest in me are doing so with just those intentions in mind.
**warning this video has beaucoup de offensive language
Am I sexist, full of myself or right?
A female who is a stranger that approaches/ adds/ follows me is a like-minded individual who appreciates my work, thus is probably someone who may support some of my efforts or be someone I could potentially work with in future. A male under those same conditions, is someone who is trying to get to know me sexually/ romantically and after realizing that isn’t going down, will lose all interest. Thus, adding an unfamiliar male face to my network has no value for me.
This is a VERY STUPID but honest omission on my current mindset. I realize how this way of thinking is unproductive and probably a personal roadblock that is stopping me from advancing in many ways (since men do run the world) but I can’t help the feeling! Even amongst my male friends and acquaintances there is a thin layer of mistrust that will always rest between us: does this person really like me as just a friend? Are they oneday going to try to take things further? Am I sending the wrong messages? Do they GENUINELY enjoy me as a person or only as a female…
For what it is worth I feel like an ass wipe typing this post and am only sharing this level of high-discriminatory and ignorant personal information with you because I am hoping to be put in my place, to learn something new or to hear from other females who may feel the same.
I know there are some people who rely on romantic interest from the opposite sex to sustain their own business or happiness but personally, I don’t see how it will add value to my line of work plus I am not the type who just LOVES people liking me in that way.
There are a lot of males that I absolutely adore but have zero romantic or sexual interest in; they are funny, interesting, smart, thought-provoking, influential, nice and a joy to have in my life as people. I guess I would feel a lot more comfortable if I knew a lot of males had identical, innocent feelings about other females.
So let’s have some much needed discussion on this:
Question for the gentlemen: Are most females who you seek to have in your life ones that you want romantically or ones that you just want around you as general good company?
Same question for the ladies + can you relate? Do you feel a similar distrust for men you don’t know?
GREAT COMMENT THAT IS WORTH A FEW READS!
Black Ty July 4, 2011 at 10:32 pmThere’s HUGE pressure to “step up” for guys. The problem is that most of the time we can either find ourselves being lazy or half-assed about it. Hence the yelling out the window, or honking of the horn just to make a friend laugh and be somewhat content that we at least said/did something.
This depthless game that we kick perseveres because we expect our sincere approaches to met with the same screw faces as our wiggity-whack approaches. Discouraged by what appears to be a cruel numbers game (maybe this time I won’t get flipped off, fingers crossed!), we rarely break out our front-free game.
Regarding the dynamics between men and women, and whether you’re being sexist: I don’t think you are. Or maybe I do and I’m just trying to be nice in order to remain in that strange space where different things overlap in venn diagrams. My point is that I think that we’re animals, sometimes consciously complicit but also sometimes unaware of our subservience to our baser instincts.
The only female friends I have, I have because they have been straight up with me to the point of almost insulting me that no chance for anything more than a plutonic friendship exists. That helps to move things along and allow for a normal fun friendship blossom.
But even after a lady might shoot me down and say she just wants to be friends or business associates, and a mutually beneficial relationship develops out of that, I might still give ‘it’ the good old college try knowing that I’d probably destroy a perfectly good bond; especially if she’s drop dead gorgeous but maybe still otherwise. (see When Harry Met Sally, which I’m sure you already have, for their road trip conversation about men having women as friends)
I don’t believe that it can’t work, it’s working for me right now with my female friends, but I do believe that sexual tension will always be there, whether or not it is acted upon.
I look for both: women to be involved with romantically and women in other capacities such as friends, mentors, and confidants. I love meeting new people, and I like a variety of people around me. I find that keeping a good male-female ratio of friends is great moreso for different perspectives in casual conversation than it is for ‘hooking up’. So when meeting someone of the opposite sex these days I try to be as honest, up-front and sensitive as possible when setting boundaries in the relationship.
Just today I was in the gym and tried avoiding the treadmill next to the one a beautiful woman was using. All the other ones were out of order, so I had no choice. I never want to be the guy trying to pick up a girl in the gym. I’ve seen dudes doing it and I think it looks dumb or desperate. So I just got on the treadmill and popped in my headphones, not even making eye contact with her. I didn’t want to be just another guy desperately drooling over her. Looking to the adjacent wall for her reaction to my presence though, I did notice a smile. Maybe she was smirking at my failure to find a free treadmill after passing by the free one next to her. Seconds later, she initiated a conversation (oh wow, you’re tall!) and did some obvious flirting. I chatted, flirted back, and introduced myself all while jogging (have you ever tried to shake someone’s hand while running on a treadmill, dangerous stuff, I do not recommend). Before she left for her spin class, she said it was nice meeting me and I said that I hoped to see her around soon.
I related this story to my brother, and immediately he asked if I got her number. Now I probably could have asked, but I didn’t. I justified this inaction by not wanting to assume that her subtle flirting and friendliness meant anything. Which I sincerely hope she found refreshing! Because I do indeed hope to see her again and find out what is what, but in a tactful and patient manner. Either way she seemed really cool.
I added you two on fb and twitter after randomly coming across a TGAW video. I just thought it was cool to see some young black, albeit gorgeous, women being funny and doing their thing. I’m a fan.
Fin
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shannon i completely relate, and though i dont think its right, i think that sometimes you cant help but have a jaded perception of men based on your past experiences. when i walk down the street, if i see a group of guys further down, i will cross the street before i reach them, to avoid harrasment or the potential of one of them trying to approach me. this isnt because im full of myself (which im not) and those guys could be the total opposite of what i may assume, but because of my experiences, i still take caution. One time i was in the store and this guy came up beside me, he said “can i have your time for a minute.” i didnt even look at him yet instead replied, “im too young for you.” then he said, “im not even tryna holla at you, i just wanted to ask you if you knew where this street was. thats the problem wit young girls nowadays..” and he proceeded to ramble on while i walked away feeling bad that i assumed he was tryning to holla at me becase he was male and approached me. what i do now, is try to be open minded and give folks a chance. now thats not to say that i wont cross the street if i see a buncha guys, but if one of them said somethign to me, i wouldnt immediately turn them down. or flip them off in ur case, lol
to be perfectly honest, anyone who asks to “have some of your time” probably did have ulterior motives and was just upset about how quickly he was shut down. if he just wanted to know directions, he would have just asked & not have gotten upset at your reaction. when a male stranger expects me to warm up to him immediately & gets offended when i don’t, i feel like i dodged a major bullet. i feel like there’s a difference between being open to new people & protecting your personal space. every young woman should be aware of that & i’d hope that men would be more understanding of why we do so.
please excuse any typos, comp is acting up =\
NEW Blog: Am I Sexist, Arrogant or Right About Males? http://thosegirlsarewild.com/2011/07/03/sexist-female/
NEW Blog: Am I Sexist, Arrogant or Right About Males? http://thosegirlsarewild.com/2011/07/03/sexist-female/
NEW Blog: Am I Sexist, Arrogant or Right About Males? http://thosegirlsarewild.com/2011/07/03/sexist-female/
A 31 year old guy here giving my perspective.
Traditionally speaking, a guy is the one that is supposed to make a move, supposed to be an initiator and sometimes it adds a lot of pressure and may cause guys to step up to a girl not because they want to, but because they feel like they have to and once they do step up, they press the issue just to save face or hold up their pride.
I will start with a video Andrea in one of her videos in “thosegirlsarewild” youtube channel talked about i saw recently . In the video she talked about a guy friend she has who she was regularly hanging out with who made a pass at her asking her to show him her nipple or something and i remember thinking, “you were spending time with him, just the two of you,alone, what was he supposed to be thinking?”.
Lets look at this scenario. She was spending time with him, just the two of them. If could be that
1. She sees him as a friend and like his company and has no romantic feeling or interest in him.
2. She has feelings for him and she is hanging around him waiting for him to step up.
How is he to know which one of the two she is at? The only way to know is to ask and asking he did. she said no, but then “good girls” dont say “yes” the first time around, so how is he to know she is not into him and isnt playing hard to get? If she is not into him, why not is the question he will ask himself and his ego or sense of attractiveness will take a hit and he may press the issue just to save face.
I personally do not talk to strangers and i do not talk to girls i do not know so i will not make a comment about those guys to talk to girls who are strangers just because they are girls or they are beautiful girls but i have been in a situations where i felt the pressure to step up primarily because the girl was “hanging around” too closely and i didnt know if she liked my company and wanted to be and remain “normal” friend or she was hanging around wanting, waiting and hoping i will step up.
If we can put aside those guys who are playing the stereotypical hyper-sexual guy who want to talk to and sleep with as many girls as he can possibly get a way with, you will find a lot of guys are having the same difficulty around girls they are associating with.
You expressed a problem from a gir’s perspective and the problem as i understood it is how can a girl tell if a guy is being friendly because he just want to be friend or just want to get into your pants.
The same problem from the guy’s perspective is how can a guy tell if a girl is being friendly because she is a friendly person or she likes certain non romantic aspects of him or she is friendly and is hanging around him waiting and hoping for him to step up and do something.
You are not sexist, you are not full of yourself. You just presented a problem people from both sexes have when mingling with people of the opposite sex.
Geez, good article Shannon lots to think about. Kudos and such
I absolutely agree! It is getting harder and harder to trust that a man knows where to draw the line. I think the media is brainwashing them to believe that if they want to be just friends than they are gay
Mtz and Carmelgirl I have received over 10 personal messages on people commenting on this post. Thanks for being brave and sharing your opinion with everyone, this isn’t an easy topic to discuss and I REALLY appreciate your honesty.
Mtz, I never thought about it from a man’s perspective in terms of the pressure to “step up.” Well said.
I completely relate. I think though, it all depends upon the context of the friendship. I have plenty of guy friends that understand that we’re just friends based up the conversations we have…I’ve always been a “guys girl” I suppose. In fact, in some ways, I have the opposite problem where there are guys that I am interested in, but because of the casual nature of our friendship, neither of us really takes it to that next stage.
Now as far as interactions with guys I don’t know? I usually can’t think of many situation where I’m one-on-one with a guy like that unless we have a reason to be. I don’t really end up in situations like that with guys unless I know them well and have a general understanding of where we stand with one another. Yeah, I have had guys make a pass at me sometimes, and me being the upfront person that I am, shut that mess down quick if I’m not interested. So maybe it’s all about the way the situation is handled. I’m a friendly person, I’ve been told that it can be perceived as flirtatious, but I think that after someone has gotten to know me to an extent, they learn the BIG differences when I’m flirting with someone versus being my normal overly friendly self.
I think a lot of guys brought up a very good point in that there is pressure for them to chase or man up. So they are very confused when a woman is playing hard to get vs not interested at all
Hey, sublte must be your middle name…
As a single guy with female friends I totally agree and understand where you are coming from. I can’t tell you how many times I have had this talk with my single female friends and all I can do is shrug and say yep there are alot of jerks out there. On the other hand speaking as a single dude I feel like Toronto in particular is becoming more and more closed off, we are earning that screwface title in leaps and bounds. Nobody is friendly any more, you can’t even say hello without there being some sort of push back, or recoil which is pretty depressing when you start to think that it is only getting worse.
All the clowns male and female alike have ruined it for everybody, it’s almost like we can’t have nice things because everybody is so bad at basic social interaction. After years of utter rudeness from both sexes I feel like we as a people have just said enough is enough we give up. I still try and be as polite as humanly possible, but even that is wearing thin on me. Something as trivial as opening a door today in 2011 has a level of contention I’ve never seen before. It used to be gentlemanly thing to do, but now people walk past you without even a nod or a smile, I’ve even had somebody give me cut eye like I insulted her. Stuff like that constantly happening makes me feel bad and I start to think why bother. At this point it is what it is, I don’t blame you for feeling like that, your experiences have warranted it, my only fear is that we as a society are reaching a point where we can’t tell the difference and and when that happens nobody will be able to turn off their guard and we will always be in this negative frame of mind.
A couple of days ago I was walking downtown and it dawned on me, we have gone from being shocked and surprised when somebody is rude, to being shocked and surprised when somebody is nice which is crazy when you think about it
I honestly am a Toronto diehard fan and get a lil hissy when people bring up the Screwface Capitol bit b/c on a whole we live in an extremely polite country and Canadians do support when something’s good (except in the realm of pro sports b/c there we just support regardless). I know this isn’t the point of your comment thought.
I think women are just very annoyed from men constantly overstepping the boundaries. The ratio should be most people like you: some people want you. When it’s flipped it makes people a little mistrustful.
The other day I was out with a guy and this girl was helping us.
I said to her, “great haircut!”
she said thanks and smiled
the guy I was with goes “ya it really suits your lovely face”
she stiffened right up and her smile faded. You could call that rude but also maybe he was crossing the polite line?
SMH yeah the screwface thing is corny but it is true, and it is getting worse your blog post is an example of that wall that men and women have up around themselves for no apparent reason. I look at it like this I try not to be rude to anybody unless they do something to me I can’t be mad at you for what I think you might be thinking.
As for your reply see that bugs me, maybe I need some context but I see nothing wrong with what he said why was your friend appalled I don’t get it. It is stuff like that, that makes me more reserved in talking to women in this city. Can you shed some light on to what this dude said that was so wrong.
I’m not saying anything was wrong with it. I’m just saying maybe this is a good judge of people’s comfort level. They guy was actually on a date with me so I didn’t find the comment crossed any lines but I did notice that for the girl she felt he had.
I guess I can’t understand your perspective of a man who is irritated by women who are irritated by men but I can tell you it’s helped to hear your p.o.v.
Today for example I was shooting this girl and I kid you not, over the 3 hours that she and I spent together shooting in the public place, 10 different men walked up and interrupted us to say some sort of “hey can I be in the picture? why don’t you shoot me? what are you guys doing this for? can I take a picture with the pretty model?” comment. With what everyone taught me I tried to be a lot nicer by making jokes, explaining what we were doing b4 getting back to work. Some got the point and moved on while others hung around and kept talking to the point where I had to get curt since we had work to do. I
Here is what I have learned through this whole ordeal
1) men are tired of women who are rude to them simply b/c they THINK they are trying for something more
2) women are tired of men approaching them constantly for something more
in conclusion I will treat everyone as if they want nothing, make my intentions clear through my actions and only resort to being curt if they don’t take no for an answer the first time should they try to push the boundaries. I also think men should pay more attention to body language and signs, pick your moments on when to approach people and when to press for further conversation. I get sloughed off plenty of times but I know how to take a hint right away (at least I hope I do)
Shannon,
Good post and even better for your practical tips on how to deal with it. I just think sometimes being a B with a screw face helps (probably not for one’s Karma cos who is to say some guy your interested is being offish cos he has his standards??) It helps weed out the good ones. Its a biological net, I suppose
All in all, I think persistence is the mother of all douchebaggery (probably one mantra that got branded in douchebag school).
oh man…
i could write the equivalent of a harry potter book to respond to this, but will simply nod my head, raise a glass in salute and say that no you aren’t being sexist, just honest and truthful. which isn’t always pretty.
I don’t think you’re sexist or arrogant but I also don’t think you’re right. I think you have stuff that you’re projecting on men; pretty much without regard for what they actually say or do. There’s clearly some fear/mistrust on your part when it comes to men; but I wonder whether that comes from having been burned by being too trustful in the past or just a unilateral disinclination to be close to or reliant upon men for anything; even professional connections.
I have a similar distrust of females after getting kicked in the face by one to many snake-ish friends, so I relate to your struggle. I’m way quicker to befriend or want to connect with a man than with a woman because at least with men their nefarious purposes tend to come to light pretty quickly. With women – they pretend to have your back for years and years and then turn around and stab you just that fast. Or at least that’s been my experience.
All of which is to say that I don’t think you’re arrogant or sexist but you are a little bit irrational when it comes to this stuff. There’s not much a man who tries to connect with you could do that a woman couldn’t also do.
mmmm like any girl I do have bad experiences with males but also some really great ones. None so bad that I think it’s caused a total mistrust of the whole sex. I have an EXCEPTIONAL dad so no deep-seeded male hate issues either.
What I can say is I have been burned by friends in disguise. Or sometimes you will have a great convo with a guy only for him to end it off with some weird advance that leaves you like “HUH? What about our exchange told you this would be okay?” I just find men a little snakeish in that way. But I do understand your mistrust for females.
Irrational is a good final word!
You are the archetype example of women who have shaped my view of the opposite sex. Women like you create men like me.
I am in my 30’s and I typically avoid social interaction with the opposite sex. This is mainly because I don’t want to get the kind of reaction that you mentioned giving. Also… I hate the whole idea of “the chase”…. the rule that says I have to relentlessly pursue the opposite sex and I can’t live without a woman. The idea of approaching women gives me the creeps. “Will she think I am creepy?”…”will she reciprocate interest?”… “what if I am rejected?”….”what if she is stuck up?” (like Shannon)…. These thoughts are constantly in my head. So I have spent most of my life sending women, especially those like Shannon, the message that they don’t impress me (and most don’t). I think pride plays a big role in my case. I can be just as rude as they are…and more. I put so much effort into protecting my pride from being assaulted by the Shannon’s out there…that I have probably missed out on good friendships/dates.
Deep into my 30’s, I have never approached a woman who I didn’t know (at least not in my adult life), have never asked for a date face-face, have never been to a nightclub (hate them…and generally not interested in the women in them). I am mostly a homebody…but when I do venture out, I will not speak, will not smile, and when I pass a woman (of fertile age) I will look away from her or won’t look at her or acknowledge her. When I am with older women or female relatives… I am the gentleman/protector that I naturally/truly am. But otherwise.. I have to wear the mask/armor to protect myself from Shannon. I generally don’t speak unless spoken to or until they make the first gesture. The signals have to be clear. And even then… I am not a chaser. Have had women give me their phone numbers… and I won’t call on purpose (besides fact that I am not interested). It’s because of women like Shannon, that I am actually proud of the way I act.
This is one of the reasons why internet dating will be the method of choice for me once I am able to mingle again. It’s a more civilized way to meet women…in an increasingly ugly and uncivilized world. Much easier on the pride as well. Women have a special way of crushing you face to face …killing your human spirit. Online I can save face. If someone isn’t interested…no big deal. I didn’t get rejected or dumped in front of witnesses. LOL
Speaking of the internet… I recall a video from Shannon that denigrated men (and women) who used the internet to meet people. Shannon & Andrea suggested that such people are losers…and that people should be able to meet/socialize with other people IN PERSON. That seems to run contrary to the message in this post…. When people try to socialize with you in person…you have this caustic reaction. You have essentially crapped on the idea of face to face interaction. This is why a lot of men (the good men at least) prefer to use the net.
But the internet dating episode (along with other videos) sent me another message. It told me that Shannon sits on a very high horse. She judges others quite a lot… and shows little to no humility. It’s interesting that I knew she was stuck up BEFORE this post…. This posting only confirmed that. Conceited & arrogant are also words that come to mind. Women like Shannon are definitely full of themselves.
Can’t pinpoint for sure the source of the confusion and contradictions. But in one posting I saw the ages of Shannon and Andrea…and realized.. They are both still relative babies (to me anyway). This could be part of the reason. I guess this is part of the growth process for young 20 somethings.
DJ Mic Mayhem wrote much of what I wanted to mention… It’s hard to be a gentleman today. This is why I don’t date… the messages are too confusing. If a man is a gentleman… then the kindness isn’t reciprocated. He’s seen as a wimp. Not only that, but some will think that there is another motive for the kindness…and that he may want a relationship in return…when in reality…that may just be how that guy is. If a man is nice…says hello and smiles, then he is creepy and wants to rape you…or wants a relationship OR he‘s “too nice“. If he’s social (like Shannon and Andrea have advised men to be) then he’s creepy for approaching and starting a conversation. If, on the opposite end, he is too withdrawn, reserved and protective of his pride and dignity (like me), trying to avoid the Shannon’s in this social mine field, then he’s a loser…and a weirdo. Afterall, many women prefer the aggressive bad boy. So the messages men get are contradictory and all over the place.
With all that said…. I can’t blame some women for behaving this way (those who do…and it’s more than just Shannon….. This is probably a good 1/3 to ½ of women). Men can be animals. Bad experiences have screwed Shannon up pretty bad from what I can tell. She has some very serious issues with men. She may be developing a hatred for men. But she seems a little young to be a real misandrist.
She is taking out her anger from past experiences against the whole species. Perhaps she’s blaming all men for her bad choices.
You also have to remember… that men are programmed… both biologically and socially… to be hunters…of both game and women. Now the modern day version of that is a man who can bring home the bacon…but the part about hunting women has never changed. Yet, Shannon blames men for this individually. Clearly she doesn’t understand men (age thing probably an issue there). Do you want men to change their biological and social programming? Do you realize how impossible that is?
Suggestions/Thoughts:
* Counseling perhaps… I’m just sayin’.
* Ignore what you perceive as flirtations or come ons without being rude yourself. Flipping people off = very juvenile. Not classy at all. And from a personal security standpoint, this is not too smart. You may flip off the wrong guy at the wrong time– some nut who just got out of prison, is a gang member…life is jacking him around…and respect is all he owns. For many… respect is all they treasure because it is all they have. Disrespect someone who is on the edge… or who isn’t mentally stable… and you can end up with more problems. Some people will physically confront you for that.
* Your behavior isn’t cute…and other people around you are taking note of how you handle yourself… could be potential clients, a current/former boss, family members, friends… What if your biggest client or boss tries to get your attention in street clothes….just to say hello or to tell you about a new project. You may not recognize them…and may flip them off or avoid them, before realizing who they are.
* You are naïve to believe that women may not be looking at you with lust in their hearts. Oh…your youth shined through with that one.
Lesbian and Bi women are some of the biggest predators /pursuers towards other young women. They are even more sneaky and cunning. They may look hetero… but they may be trying to figure out how to bed you just like some of the men are. Before you realize what is happening…they’ll have you halfway through the grooming process.
* Hate to tell you… but as a fairly attractive woman…you will have to deal with this for much of your adult life (people wanting to pursue you….. Both men and women). You have to figure out how to deal with it in a mature, classy, & respectful way.
* Get the advice of older attractive women… women in their late 20’s, 30’s & 40’s.
* Learn humility & empathy. Learn what they mean and live them. So important. Nothing worse/uglier than an attractive woman with no humility at all. Otherwise…you may end up an old lady with 20 cats…lonely.
* Have you explored the possibility that you may not really like men (romantically)…and you may have another orientation???? In denial???? I’m just sayin…. There seems to be some deeper issues going on. Either something traumatic happened to you…or a series of trauma’s regarding men….. Or you may be unsure of yourself when it comes to orientation…perhaps a combination of both.
Some practical solutions:
* Wear a wedding ring at work…or when you go out and you don’t want to be bothered by men. You can wear it or take it off whenever convenient…or wear it all the time. Tell folks you are married. If pressed.. tell them your husband travels a lot for business and is often away. Be creative with these ideas. That will keep a lot of men away from you. (I know I know.. “But what if I chase away the rich football player or entertainer or CEO who I want who looks like Brad Pitt or Boris Kodjoe”?). Well, that’s the conundrum surrounding this whole thing. This is why you shouldn’t behave like a “witch”. You never know when your future guy may be watching you. He may send his buddy over to you to test you…to see what kind of temperament you have….what kind of heart you have.
But the wedding ring is like man repellent (although it wouldn’t be 100%). One thing that men are looking for when they are checking you out is a wedding ring. They want to see if you are “available”. For most decent men… if they see the ring, they won’t even bother approaching or asking you out…etc.
* Tell men right off the bat that you are celibate (whether you really are or not is irrelevant for this purpose). The dogs will leave right away… they don’t want to waste their time with someone they can’t have (remember… they are dogs). That will leave the friends…or the decent men who want to get to know you before even asking you out.
* Most important suggestion mentioned before…..can’t emphasize enough… ignore unwanted attention…. but do so without attacking/being rude, etc. Do so gracefully.
oh my gosh how many times did you say the word Shannon in this post? Whoa she just wanted to start a topic that clearly other people were feeling the same on so why bite off her head like a true mad man/
I can’t speak for Shannon, but I’m sure she was not referring to all men. It is perfectly ok to approach a woman who you think is interesting or attractive. The problem occurs when men are disrespectful or arrogant. The right time and place plays a factor too, i.e not while you’re in a car and I’m walking down the street. And to say that she has some deep rooted issue is a major assumption, and nowhere in her post did she claim to hate men nor is she blaming them for their ‘programming’. Just my opinion to your comment.
what’s so hard about this comment is that it’s so long that I don’t wanna miss out on your points, so I’ll write my thoughts in as a I go along! But b4 I start reading, I wanna say a big thank you Brian for taking the time to share such a great mass of insight on this topic, I really appreciate the time you put in and will definitely give this a read several times to do it justice.
1) in our online dating video we never said ppl should just meet in person (that’s cliche and unfunny anyways) what we said is, people should be upfront as to why they have been unsuccessful meeting people in the real world. Your video would go a little something like what you have written above, my video would be the same for what I’ve written in my post.
2) I really, really wish you didn’t add this bit:
But the internet dating episode (along with other videos) sent me another message. It told me that Shannon sits on a very high horse. She judges others quite a lot… and shows little to no humility. It’s interesting that I knew she was stuck up BEFORE this post…. This posting only confirmed that. Conceited & arrogant are also words that come to mind. Women like Shannon are definitely full of themselves.
you don’t know me and I have no clue who you are. Don’t you ever, ever forget that
3) I really, really like the point that others made in that they are unsure of when a woman is playing hard to get and beckoning a man to give chase. I think this explains a lot. To me it’s VERY obvious when someone is interested and you usually don’t have to be told NO to see NO so this is why it confuses me that some men just wanna hear you say it, even if it means spoiling a friendship in the process. But with this is mind, I can begin to understand this better.
4) Whatever it is you do for a living…stick to that and leave psychology to those who are licensed professionals:
“She is taking out her anger from past experiences against the whole species. Perhaps she’s blaming all men for her bad choices”
**hits buzzer
5) but the part about hunting women has never changed. Yet, Shannon blames men for this individually. Clearly she doesn’t understand men (age thing probably an issue there). Do you want men to change their biological and social programming?
to this, though we have innate programming we also have improved communication and education on body language/ intent. You can’t assume that everybody who is nice to you in return is a potential kill for the hunt **Chris Rock references how men do this and though it is a joke, I can see for how some it is true
6) * Have you explored the possibility that you may not really like men (romantically)…and you may have another orientation???? In denial???? I’m just sayin…. There seems to be some deeper issues going on. Either something traumatic happened to you…or a series of trauma’s regarding men….. Or you may be unsure of yourself when it comes to orientation…perhaps a combination of both.
again…thanks for your efforts with this ammateur, outsider-looking-in, analysis. I am attracted to men but I am sure of who I am attracted to and the people whom I am attracted to are sure of it. Majority of males I look to for good company, conversation and education. A very small minority I want more from. The issue I have is that I have found through my experiences and through talking to other females, is that it seems that for many males this ratio is in reverse. And it’s not that everyone woman feels majority of the men she meets is trying to marry her, it’s usually more of what Chris Rock described, which ultimately isn’t that flattering.
7) I don’t consider myself to be self-absorbed, I’m somebody who tries to get to know myself better through others and through conversation.
You had some really great advice throughout but after reading it once, I don’t think I will read it again…you have some pretty nasty stuff in there and while you are entitled to have your own opinion on me, I don’t wanna subject myself to your personal go-for-the-jugular brand of “objectiveness.” I am always interested in learning other people’s opinion but attacking me, when I do not have any information on you whatsoever to dish back out, is a practice that I just don’t understand.
you take great care now
Insightful read, Brian. I find your take on lesbian/bi woman who see other women (or the Shannons’ of the world) with lust in their eyes hilarious. Don’t think anyone thought of that one but a VERY valid point.
Like someone I know said…Who doesn’t like a man with a vagina for a heart. Just a word of advice, pride comes before the great big fall…perhaps even in Love.
Peace.
“Who doesn’t like a man with a vagina for a heart”
Can you explain this phrase? The first thing that came to my mind after i read it is:
“what do vaginas do?” and i cant think of any relationship metaphorically or otherwise
btw what a vagina does and what a heart does and hence there could a mountain of
wisdom here passing me by and i wish you get a piece of, if you dont mind
mtz,
To clarify, it is a phrase not to be taken derogatorily or literally. It’s a symbolic reference to bountiful vessel. I would best leave it to experience to fill in the gaps.
I don’t believe your sexist not to much arrogant but I think your partially right about males. one thing I believe based on what you said is that you blame all males for the actions of some. some would see your kindness for weakness so the social networking would be how to play in. some while you have buisness in mind have purely romantic interest so that might be their only way in with a shot. but for your aspect career wise to begin all encounters neutral would take your career further as you will run into situations where people have personal issues you have to deal with them as they come but to shut out someone based on the actions of others will only limit your potential and ability. I would say you are nothing but justified to delete people once they share offensive content and posting and tagging randomness but to just limit yourself by just stop adding all males would be punishing yourself
Great advice thank you. I especially like this:
I would say you are nothing but justified to delete people once they share offensive content and posting and tagging randomness but to just limit yourself by just stop adding all males would be punishing yourself
I definitely don’t blame you for your general outlook on the opposite sex. A lot of us do in fact see females only as sexual/romantic prospects BUT giving this label to ALL men is arrogant and, in a way, ignorant.
Look at the world. Nothing is 100% of anything. Any subject has two or more sides/ aspects to it. Thinking that all men want from a woman is sex/romance is like saying that because a tree is a tree, it will lose all its leaves in the winter. But do ALL trees do that? No ma’am.
Personally, I do not seek all women for sex/romance. That’s just not me. Many of the woman whom I know and keep close, I see ONLY as friends and good company. They are either hilarious, knowledgeable or just fun to hang around. Yes, some of them are attractive, but in reality, I know that’s not who or what I want. Even before my current girlfriend (2 years, HALLELUJAH! ) its been like that. It’s just who I am.
Another example: TGAW. Yes, you are attractive women, but, the reason I keep up with your stuff is because you girls are down right HILARIOUS and we share similar views on certain things.
And this same situation applies to some women. There are plenty of women who are just offering the puna-nana-nana-na-nani whenever they talk to a guy.
So:
Sexist? – nope, just annoyed at the general representation of men that outshine those that are genuine.
Arrogant? – kinda lol I think flipping off a guy screaming “RIDE THAT BIKE!” was a bit much lol
Right? – partially. Not all men are after what you think they are.
on my Facebook I also had a really good chat on this. I am curious to know your opinion on this specifically since you seem content to have great females who are just PEOPLE not potentials, in your life.
This guy wrote:
As for me, there are so many women in my life who I have a romantic interest in that I can’t begin to count. The reason I started talking to most of them was because I thought they were really attractive, however, my relationships with the women in my life are not fueled by attraction alone. Many of them have great personalities, wicked aspirations that I support,are in general fun to hang with and that’s why I continue talking to them regardless of my attraction.
Can you empathize with that? “so many attractions that you can’t count? That sort of shocked me because I can’t imagine being interested in so many people at once
Whoa lol
No. I can’t relate to that. There is no point in my life (that I can recall) where I had so many romantic interests I couldn’t count them on one hand. All the women I know, few I’ve had a romantic interest in, and some I’ve been attracted too, but not in a romantic sense. Attraction doesn’t always have to be romance based. I mean, you and Andrea are attracted to each other, that’s why you two are best friends. Granted that you girls are of the same sex.
And I agree with Black Ty on a couple points.
- I think there is a huge pressure for guys to step up. Playing hard to get and “No” can be very confusing. Some people say when a women says “No”, that means no. But then some women play that “Hard to get” game where No = yes. How is a man who has a romantic interest in her suppose to decode that? Only the woman herself can do that. Being up front and/or almost insulting seems to be the proper remedy. (Maybe flipping one off could, quite possibly, maybe be a remedy. Be careful of sensible side effects.)
- I find women, not for romance anymore, more for other capacities in my life. Women are just amazing to be around. Sometimes it just nice to have a woman’s thought, perspective, style, idea, etc. not only because dudes are ridiculous sometimes, but also because I am comfortable with that setting. I grew up with nothing but women around me. My mom, my sister, my cousin, my brother whom likes men. Its just a setting I’m used to.
@Tiane
The use of the name “Shannon” was a stand-in for women in general who share her perspective. It was not directed at Shannon personally. (I was hoping most folks would figure that out w/o explanation),
My apologies.
And yes… I expected to be attacked/called names on this site. Not surprised. A mad man???
She asked for opinions… I gave mine.
One or two to rmeemebr, that is.
There’s HUGE pressure to “step up” for guys. The problem is that most of the time we can either find ourselves being lazy or half-assed about it. Hence the yelling out the window, or honking of the horn just to make a friend laugh and be somewhat content that we at least said/did something.
This depthless game that we kick perseveres because we expect our sincere approaches to met with the same screw faces as our wiggity-whack approaches. Discouraged by what appears to be a cruel numbers game (maybe this time I won’t get flipped off, fingers crossed!), we rarely break out our front-free game.
Regarding the dynamics between men and women, and whether you’re being sexist: I don’t think you are. Or maybe I do and I’m just trying to be nice in order to remain in that strange space where different things overlap in venn diagrams. My point is that I think that we’re animals, sometimes consciously complicit but also sometimes unaware of our subservience to our baser instincts.
The only female friends I have, I have because they have been straight up with me to the point of almost insulting me that no chance for anything more than a plutonic friendship exists. That helps to move things along and allow for a normal fun friendship blossom.
But even after a lady might shoot me down and say she just wants to be friends or business associates, and a mutually beneficial relationship develops out of that, I might still give ‘it’ the good old college try knowing that I’d probably destroy a perfectly good bond; especially if she’s drop dead gorgeous but maybe still otherwise. (see When Harry Met Sally, which I’m sure you already have, for their road trip conversation about men having women as friends)
I don’t believe that it can’t work, it’s working for me right now with my female friends, but I do believe that sexual tension will always be there, whether or not it is acted upon.
I look for both: women to be involved with romantically and women in other capacities such as friends, mentors, and confidants. I love meeting new people, and I like a variety of people around me. I find that keeping a good male-female ratio of friends is great moreso for different perspectives in casual conversation than it is for ‘hooking up’. So when meeting someone of the opposite sex these days I try to be as honest, up-front and sensitive as possible when setting boundaries in the relationship.
Just today I was in the gym and tried avoiding the treadmill next to the one a beautiful woman was using. All the other ones were out of order, so I had no choice. I never want to be the guy trying to pick up a girl in the gym. I’ve seen dudes doing it and I think it looks dumb or desperate. So I just got on the treadmill and popped in my headphones, not even making eye contact with her. I didn’t want to be just another guy desperately drooling over her. Looking to the adjacent wall for her reaction to my presence though, I did notice a smile. Maybe she was smirking at my failure to find a free treadmill after passing by the free one next to her. Seconds later, she initiated a conversation (oh wow, you’re tall!) and did some obvious flirting. I chatted, flirted back, and introduced myself all while jogging (have you ever tried to shake someone’s hand while running on a treadmill, dangerous stuff, I do not recommend). Before she left for her spin class, she said it was nice meeting me and I said that I hoped to see her around soon.
I related this story to my brother, and immediately he asked if I got her number. Now I probably could have asked, but I didn’t. I justified this inaction by not wanting to assume that her subtle flirting and friendliness meant anything. Which I sincerely hope she found refreshing! Because I do indeed hope to see her again and find out what is what, but in a tactful and patient manner. Either way she seemed really cool.
I added you two on fb and twitter after randomly coming across a TGAW video. I just thought it was cool to see some young black, albeit gorgeous, women being funny and doing their thing. I’m a fan.
Fin
Fav comment! So honest and insightful, thank you
Your avoidance technique @ gym = so familiar. As I mentioned before.. avoidance, playing cool & trying not to see them is pretty much my default setting. Glad i’m not the only one. I also would not have asked for a number to avoid appearing presumptuous. I always let them initiate an interaction.
Avoidance comes easy…since I have a little social anxiety. It takes a lot more work/and it is more
stressful for me to deal w/ people, esp new people, than for the avg guy. So avoiding = my normal state.
But I anticipate this being a problem when/if I reach a point where I want to date (when financial/job
situation improves). As much as I like my own space (will have to be a man room in my home, lol) I
also don’t want to be some miserable guy with 4 dogs, 3 cats, & alone at 50.
(Hot topic. TGAW should do more of these)
Good read.
As a 20 year old female, I can completely relate. Just remember that the world we live in is not the same world our mothers and fathers prepared us for.
There are predators that we have to watch out for, men and women.
p.s. It is definitely not smart to flip people off. That guy could’ve had a really hard day and that could’ve pushed him over the edge. He could’ve been someone who is apart of some clean air initiative who wanted to promote bike riding in urban cities and recognized you.
Haha. That reminds me. It might not feel like it, but you aren’t just some girl on a bike. You’re an author and a YouTube sensation. What if a little girl ran up to Justin Beiber before he got super big and he reacted the same way you did? Just something to think about.
I feel like the best reaction you could possibly give is to remain calm and stay professional, but don’t go out like no bitch. lol.. =]
Be Blessed.. =]
Shay
my reaction was also partly my fault. I wore high waisted shorts that ride up when you sitdown, so as you can imagine…sitting on a bike… I was already feeling vulnerable and self-conscious which is why I was so sensitive. If I could go back and apologize, I would. thanks Shay
Hello!
This is a mid-twenties male speaking.
In all honesty, i can look at it from your perspective and you make total sense and nothing wrong with that.
You can have a think layer between yourself and the male crowd because the majority of us behave in ways that pretty much bring the rest of us down. But at the same time, be a little optimistic because males who genuinely want to be friends with you via a platonic way actually DO exist. They’re just shuffled with the rest of the males.
Also, Shannon, if you noticed, good looking girls get more of that type of attention than your average everyday girl. So you can do the math.
During my Nivea gig I was having a long chat with a lady on beauty and age. She said that when she was a young girl she used to HATE the attention but now she would pay a man to look at her that way again. I think the issue is more on age than it is with looks, in my opinion.
But it’s about learning to find that delicate balance I guess between understanding that some people are going to try something and knowing that some people really weren’t thinking that at all.
Hmmm definitely a lot to think about in here!
After carefully reading this post and comments, here is my opinion. If you are mistrustful of men ONLY, then chances are you being sexist. If you are skeptical of people’s motives male or female then you are not sexist but like the wise old owl that your first name bears. You have the right to be assess people but be careful not to jump to conclusions. One of your great qualities that you have (similar to the Queen of Sheba) is that you seek council before concluding matters. This means that you value the truth. As for your questions, I generally don’t keep female company outside my family simply because lines get blurred and feelings get hurt. I maintain good relations with all people. Sometimes people are surprised by acts of kindness but I’m tell them I’m used to it. They have the right to know my motives and I will kindly answer them. Likewise, if a man keeps a large entourage of females, that would generate huge mistrust for his significant other naturally and vice-versa. Unfortunately, there is proof that cheating, rape and even murder are often committed by people closest you. When you think about it you’re right about most males but wrong about the right males. Keep researching for the truth. Peace and take care.
GREAT discussion happening on the blog. Am I Sexist, Arrogant or Right About Males? http://t.co/joP0fck
YAY @Bryon592 great comment on Am I Sexist, Arrogant or Right About Males? http://t.co/joP0fck
I will be completely honest . I totally agree with you, Shannon and Carmelgirl. I have had experiences where men have tried to talk to me and I was not interested. In turn, they call me “stuck up”, “bitch” or “hoe” and I leave feeling completely embarrassed and outraged, so now I try to just avoid them all together. At times it feels like they should have sexual harassment seminars in life as well as the workplace. Also, I too feel that a few of my male friends have sexual feelings they will not admit to. When I find out I tend to slowly back away from the friendship, because I generally don’t share the same interest and that’s when the friendship goes sour anyway. It is socially acceptable for men to be promiscuous and approach women, in a sometimes inappropriate and demeaning manner. (I mean, those corny pick up lines and sex jokes had to originate somewhere) Therefore, we as women are cautious when seeing a group of men outside and socializing with them, especially while wearing form-fitting clothing or revealing outfits. Of course women have the right to wear these types of clothing, but I personally feel uncomfortable when I choose to wear them and I’m around unfamiliar men. Some people may say “don’t wear it if you don’t want attention”, but that doesn’t mean I want to be disrespected or objectified! But that’s another topic. So to answer your question, I can relate and I do tend to distrust men I don’t know. I’m not ignorant, sexist, or arrogant and neither are you. I love men, but I am a woman. We are women. We have to be cautious with life in general. We must protect ourselves because society sure doesn’t and neither does the legal system!
I don’t worry about men liking me until they approach me, unless it’s a group of men. Groups of men seem to harass me on a regular basis. I won’t even look at a group of men I pass by. It’s not to be rude, I genuinely feel anxiety expecting that they’ll catcall or something…
I just hate being put on the spot. It’s like you have to turn them down or you’re a slut/whore/tramp and everyone in the vicinity will start acting like you’re lower than them. Most people aren’t that accepting of open displays of sexuality. So I will kill any attempts just to avoid that embarrassment and to get away from men who I don’t know.
Unless the guy is really, really hot. I don’t feel comfortable with men being in my face asking me if I like them, when I don’t even know them. I don’t mind flirting, but some guys will put a lot of pressure into their questions. If I say no, then they throw a mini tantrum and everyone on the street is staring at us. It’s embarrassing, uncomfortable, and makes me wish I didn’t have to deal with “men like that”.
WOW a 30+ year old man who insults a blog for being too young yet CLEARLY has stuck around it for at least a year since that’s when yall online video came out… dude I think therapy is in the cards for you if anything #justSaying
“In my everyday life I am less likely to return a compliment with a smile from a dude and if ever I am in jovial conversation with a male, a part of me is thinking I should backaway before I send the wrong signal.”
OMG, me too! I feel awful about it. But then again I’ve had so many experiences with ‘jovial conversations’ turning into come ons, and smiles from creepy old men on Weston Rd. …I can’t bring myself to TRUST that a dude is just being genuinely nice unless I know him.
I guess the part I have the most trouble with is the idea that I’m supposed to have a predetermined role for any woman I meet before I meet her. Pretty much every woman I’ve dated or simply befriended started out as “they’re cool, let’s see how this unfolds…”. Even attraction isn’t so cut and dry, because there’s been a few instances where (for lack of better wording) sexiness takes time to reveal itself (no one wants to hear that though, so its best kept to yourself).
Of course, I think the transition from friend to more-than has to be one of the most tactful manoeuvres performed. You’re trying to change the situation, not change personas, so switching into some rico suave mode probably isn’t the best look. And the dismissal of said manoeuvre also has to be tactful, because it will always be awkward and you don’t want ruin everything because of that.
*sigh* geeze where do I even begin. I used to be super quiet around people I didn’t know. I mean I’m still quiet/shy in unknown territory but I’ve come along quite a bit. Being around guys especially I’ve always kept my guard up because like you said I didn’t want to send the wrong message. But now that I’m a bit older (and wiser, I guess) I decided I wouldn’t be so guarded and I’d engage in convo when the opportunity arose. Unfortunately what I quickly found out is guys often took my kindness for interest. I laughed and smiled because I actually thought their comments were funny. I said “it was nice meeting you” or “I hope to see you again sometime” because they were cool people and if I did run into them again it could be fun.
I didn’t want to go on a date or become bbm pals. I just thought, hey if I ran into so and so again it could be cool. But it seems like guys misinterpret or deliberately take my friendliness to mean something else and it happens more often then I want it to.
I like being in settings where the ratio of men to women is pretty even and the environment isn’t on some slap-chop tips. I’m also not the kind of girl that wants to be around other girls all the time so we can talk shit about the shit our man does/doesn’t do. So even though meeting people is what it takes to network and connect, when it comes to men I’m weary. I ask myself the same questions you mentioned. Why do they really want to talk to me??
When I think of the guys I’ve given my time to (in whatever amounts) I can say that it often goes in that direction and I’m pretty sure I’ve missed out in some career advancing opportunities because of it. I actually jumped the gun once and told a guy who asked for my number after very briefly discussing some writing that I would but I let him know I had a man and didn’t want any drama. Well who the hell told me to take that proactive step?? I might as well had written “I assume shit” on my forehead. He laughed it off and said he just wanted to connect on a business level and DIDN’T THINK OF ME LIKE THAT AT ALL (it wasn’t in caps but I was still like ok I get your point lol).
So it’s hard to balance. I try to look for cues :/ although that’s not always helpful what with the million ways we have to connect these days. *double sigh*
All in all I don’t think your sexist, because if you were I would be. Or maybe that just really means I am too. Maybe we’re all sexist. Ugh I dunno.
Great post though!!
I conquer with ALL of this!!
@Brian assuming age is a very good indicator of one’s ability to formulate a well-rounded and mature opinion on the topic Shannon brought up is ignorant. You have zero idea what the 23 yr old passing in front of you has experienced and to assume you or anyone older then her knows more is arrogant and presumptuous. And for someone who doesn’t like to interact with females to the point of seclusion makes it seem like you have been severely burned by many “Shannons.” I don’t assume that’s the case, but that’s how your comment reads.
Assuming that Shannon, or women like her are crazy and need therapy is also rude and condescending. What, am I having a mental break down because I told a guy to fuck off after he grabbed my ass? And no, I don’t look at all men like the one I just mentioned. I know there’s men out there who aren’t so far on the spectrum and actually know how to handle themselves when approaching women. I can say with confidence I know a few, one in particular, who are assertive AND reserved. The particular one I speak of knows how to make his intentions clear without being a dick, but isn’t afraid to be aggressive when the time calls.
So overall I thought you had some good points that others, not just Shannon, could learn from but I do think you should exercise a little more tact and refrain from making personal attacks on people whose lives you know very little about. Perhaps if you had posed your suggestions as questions this conversation could go further. And yes, you have an opinion, which Shannon asked for but again you could have voiced that without peppering hints of douchebaggery throughout your sentences.
Have a good day though and do come back soon!
ttyl Shan!
OoOoo my goodness this is the story of my life with men. Listen there r men out there that will except your friendship for what it is. These are men that use the more “human” like factors that they were giving like oh idk self control! These men are very rare but they exist. On the reality side though most men cannot just compliment, talk, be around, look at, be a fucking human around an attractive female. I can’t walk pass a group of men and still feel human. Sometimes im like do they realize I have a heart that beats, a brain that thinks and that im a human being like them. But i don’t waste my time getting angry anymore,after all they were taught to be this way.SO just ignore them or get u some gay male friends if u like male company I mean it works for me. I stay away from straight guys if there not some type of rare/weird, gay or bf material lolsz. But yeah i hope this helped
Just today I was in the gym and tried avoiding the treadmill next to the one a beautiful woman was using. All the other ones were out of order, so I had no choice. I never want to be the guy trying to pick up a girl in the gym….I do this all the time, sometimes it gets so bad I avoid eye contact so a girl doesnt think im going to hit on her lol. Its weird because Im not the kinda of guy who approachs females like that.
To answer your question, it depends.
As a man, yes I will try to spark conversation with women I am physically attracted to. Doesn’t mean the women I seek to have in my life will be women I’m attracted to. It does mean that I have a tendency to approach women I am attracted to. However, sometimes that conversation is so wack I regret putting on my shoes and even going to wherever I met that woman. Sometimes that conversation is brilliant. Sometimes that woman shows you a portion of her mind or character that you admire or respect and want to continue to spend your time with that woman. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t evolve into a romantic relationship. I don’t like to let that change the fact that I like that woman for who she is, we can remain friends even though I find her sexy.
On the other hand, there are women I have in my life that I find amazing that I’ve known for years. They are beautiful inside and out. They are hard-working, intelligent and strong women. They are women any man would be proud to call their lady! However for one reason or another, I’ve only ever seen them as friends. I genuinely enjoy their company as friends. I dig being able to get a female opinion on myself and have real conversations on sex, love and life.
You never know before you meet someone which box they will end up in, but as a I man I can say when it comes to approaching a woman if there isn’t something I notice that peaks my interest (say a book she’s reading or something unique she’s doing/saying) & initiates my approach, I’m going to be approaching a woman I’m attracted to.
Who I decide to keep in my life depends on what we contribute to each others lives.
Shannon you do have reason to put up a guard, you’re stuck with the “pretty girl curse”. Chances are if a dude approached you or adds you on facebook he’s going to be attracted to you. However, your taking it too far if you automatically think a meeting with someone will go in any 1 direction. There are a lot of men out there that will genuinely want to be around you because your funny, or your random or your just bat-shit crazy and they like that. No man other than professor Xavier is going to know that about you until they get to know you. They may approach you based on something superficial, but even if they do it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a spot in your life, just means it may not be the one they want!
***Shouts to firefox spell checker for saving me from looking like an idiot!***
To answer your question, it depends.
As a man, yes I will try to spark conversation with women I am physically attracted to. Doesn’t mean the women I seek to have in my life will be women I’m attracted to. It does mean that I have a tendency to approach women I am attracted to. However, sometimes that conversation is so wack I regret putting on my shoes and even going to wherever I met that woman. Sometimes that conversation is brilliant. Sometimes that woman shows you a portion of her mind or character that you admire or respect and want to continue to spend your time with that woman. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t evolve into a romantic relationship. I don’t like to let that change the fact that I like that woman for who she is, we can remain friends even though I find her sexy.
On the other hand, there are women I have in my life that I find amazing that I’ve known for years. They are beautiful inside and out. They are hard-working, intelligent and strong women. They are women any man would be proud to call their lady! However for one reason or another, I’ve only ever seen them as friends. I genuinely enjoy their company as friends. I dig being able to get a female opinion on myself and have real conversations on sex, love and life.
You never know before you meet someone which box they will end up in, but as a I man I can say when it comes to approaching a woman if there isn’t something I notice that peaks my interest (say a book she’s reading or something unique she’s doing/saying) & initiates my approach, I’m going to be approaching a woman I’m attracted to.
Who I decide to keep in my life depends on what we contribute to each others lives.
Shannon you do have reason to put up a guard, you’re stuck with the “pretty girl curse”. Chances are if a dude approached you or adds you on facebook he’s going to be attracted to you. However, your taking it too far if you automatically think a meeting with someone will go in any 1 direction. There are a lot of men out there that will genuinely want to be around you because your funny, or your random or your just bat-shit crazy and they like that. No man other than professor Xavier is going to know that about you until they get to know you. They may approach you based on something superficial, but even if they do it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a spot in your life, just means it may not be the one they want!
***Shouts to firefox spell checker for saving me from looking like an idiot!***
my bad if this posted twice, I really wanted to get my 2 cents in!
[...] in the career world but in our daily interactions. A good discussion on this began last week at Those Girls Are Wild. One of the co-founders, Shannon Boodram, brought up the issue of how women are supposed know when [...]