When Your Love is Not Enough
Posted under: On any given day you are likely to: see the one who adores you, dream of the one who ignores you, beg attention from the person who dismisses you and walk by the lost love who misses you.
Photography by Shannon T Boodram
The foot on the pavement is supremely jealous of the one tucked in the shelter of the car. She teeters a bit and jingles her keys, he reaches out and grabs her hand. There is something in his eyes that she does not like, strangely enough the best way to describe the expression is hopeful; like the look a child might give to Santa as his float passed by. It is not the way that a woman wants to be looked at. Furthermore, his eyes are far too awake for 2 in the morning and that sloppy grin that favours one side makes her feel terrible. She is hurting him, she knows this and he knows that.
“You are always so busy, finally we get some time together,” he looks at her a little harder and brings her hand up to his cheek. She wonders if he is oblivious to the expression in her eyes or simply persistent in spite of it. “You are so pretty…”
He leans in towards her with his forhead leading the way, then pauses for her 20% and when in that nanosecond she does not budge, he moves all the way in anyway. The kiss is weird, it is more like he leans his lips up against hers and rests there for a second than an actual connect. Somewhere on the other side of the parking lot she hears claps and whoots, she is too exhausted to look around so instead she climbs in the car and allows him to kiss her cheek through the open window.
Later that night he will send her text after text but she will have “fallen asleep” and will not respond until late tomorrow.
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Winter of 2008 brought record breaking snow to the city of Toronto but only once did it keep me from driving to go see him. On one particularly nasty storm where I forced myself on the roads despite my parent’s “are you stupid or suicidal?” inquiries, I pulled onto his street to find him waiting on the sidewalk for me. Looking back I don’t know how I knew it was him from 100 yards away, parka hood pulled around his bottom lip to the tips of his eyebrows and all. I parked and he ran towards me, we slipped and fell in the snow I laughed and wanted to lay there with him but instead he got right up and ran a few steps ahead.
“Come on it’s not nap time Shannon!”
I followed him until he stopped in front of what looked like a snow covered 1980′s mini van, “Tada! it’s my new car, do you like it?”
I didn’t. It was terrible looking and the ugliest shade of grey I had ever seen, “Uh, do you like it?”
He laughed, “You’re not giving it a chance.” He started to remove the snow from the hood with his sleeve and then I had a brilliant idea.
I ran back to my car, popped the trunk and pulled out my snow brush. When I got back to him he was still wiping but this time with his entire arm. I tapped him and handed him the snow brush, “Here, I’ve heard somewhere that these things are useful. My gift to you and your beautiful new car.”
He brightened and then asked, “What will you use?”
“I have two,” I lied starring at him with intense hope in my eyes.
“Okay,” he said and squeezed me in a side hug, “Okay thanks.”
7 days passed and then a few more thereafter. He was becoming increasingly more “busy” and I spent more time listening to this song than I did his voice.
After what felt like 2 years, but may have only been two weeks later, he finally had a night free. With that silly-grinned hope, I hopped in my car and drove to his place for the last time (though I knew deep down that his feelings were gone, realizing weeks later that this was the finale, marked the beginning of a period that I self-titled The Great Sadness).
The date was okay but then again there is little that could go wrong inside of a theater. It is what happened after the credits that I will truly never forget…
“It’s snowing again,” he said as we walked towards the exit.
“Damn,” I muttered self-assessing my hoodless leather jacket and straightened hair.
He turned to me with a hand outstretched, “You want me to pull the car up?”
I nodded at him smiling, taking this as a good sign. He half smiled back, took the keys and then took the first of many steps away from me.
I waited in the heated doorway for 2 minutes, four minutes and then six. Getting worried I pulled my jacket off of my back and made a tent with my head and shoulders before pressing the doors open in to a literal white world. The snow was coming down so hard I could barely see the cars driving past me let alone the one that I owned. When I did finally see it, I also spotted something that made me me wish the snow would fall faster to help me disappear.
His black hair was almost completely covered in flakes as he stood outside and used his jacket sleeve to clear the rear window. I edged closer and he looked up before I could change my expression from utterly embarrassed to casual.
“You don’t have another snow brush. What have you been using for the past few weeks?” I can’t remember what I said, I only recall what he said next, “As soon as we get back to my house I am giving yours back to you.”
He looked annoyed and I didn’t protest or try the old it was just here yesterday routine. I made strained conversation about the movie until we rolled onto his street and then I could think of nothing else to say. We parked and he got out of the driver’s seat and walked towards his driveway, then true to his word he came back and handed me my snow brush. I stood from the passenger seat holding the stupid thing in my hand, he said goodbye to me right there on the street. I walked around to the ajar driver’s door and froze with both of my feet outside of the car as they enviously watched his make perfect prints that lead back to his house.
When we all know what unrequited love feels like, why do we always wait for the other person to spell it out for us before we choose to understand it?
How many times have you had your heart broken or broken someone else’s knowing that the task could have been completed weeks/ months/ years earlier? When it comes to matters of the heart we rarely see what is right infront of us, we are always looking ahead. Don’t do that. If there is someone in your life that you are stringing along or if you have the insight to recognize that you yourself are hanging on to something that does not belong to you – cut loose. It is advice that I need to take but can’t promise I will, perhaps you can lead by example for me?
On any given night you are likely to: see the one who adores you, dream of the one who ignores you, beg attention from the person who dismisses you and walk by the lost love who misses you. Are you honest with yourself about who falls in what category?
Now THAT is something to think about…
This piece is especially written for Claudia Kay who requested more relationship/ love short stories 
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Andrea Lewis, Che Zukie. Che Zukie said: RT @missandrealewis: NEW Blog: When Your Love is Not Enough – Think About it Mondays http://bit.ly/bVPu9x [...]
damn chica you hit the head on the nail. I think it has something to do with things being so hectic in our time to day. Relationships; real based off feelings and other aspsects are getting harder to find and when you do it’s like instant connect even when other things are telling you no; those little things telling you yes that weren’t there before are strong. Societies overwhelming sense of fearing being alone aids this and we all struggle with this something better than nothing mentality. [that's my take on it]
I like your perspective! You know how there are some people who ALWAYS seem to be in a relationship. Are they really just super compatible or are they subscribers to the ” something better than nothing mentality?”
First time checking out your website/blog. I liked the story. I definitely think there a lot of people who subscribe to the its better than nothing mentality. People settle for what they find, instead of pursuing their dreams and allowing their love to find them. My opinion, when you are pursuing your dreams, you find those most compatible with you. When you are wise you also see the ones who are not only just compatible, but love you also.
Wow this was so sad, but beautifully written. That song is beautiful as well, I’d never heard it before.
Thanks for being so open.
Beautiful story! I think we hold on to what is comfortable for us because once we are in a realtionship we want to do anything to make it work. many people convince themselves that somehow they will be better off if they are in a relationship, but Shannon these people aren’t always happy. The song “i gotta man” wasn’t made for no reason. many people feel better about themselves with a bf and cant take being alone. You are beautiful and successful this guy was just too dumb to see it.
Every1z been there. I think that with love comes hope! Sometimes when we feel someone slipping away we tend to tighten the grip thinking we miiiiight be able to pull em back. Also when you love someone unconditionally, sometimes that condition is that they don’t love you back and that’s a hard pill to swallow for many.
As for meeeeee…..wags finger at self. I’m a messssss in terms of guys right now. Same heartbreaking asshole/love of my life who I always write about recently grew some balls and approached me with and adult apology for all the shit he put me through. Melted my little heart. After a couple weeks of friendly conversation, one night we hung out. Took a trip down memory lane which led to a kiss tht we both missed(surprisingly nothing more). Idk I definitely got my lil hopes up cuz more sparks were flying than a fork in a socket. (For me at least) but ever since I took my lil vacation he’s back to being a sketchball so I feel like an idiot again. Lol idk there somethin bout this ho that I don’t care how stupid he makes me look and feel sometimes. I threw the pride out a long time ago. A part of me will always have hope in him cuz I’ve always genuinely believed we were meannnnnnt for each other. He’s just stupid and doesn’t see it.
ButtTt when it comes to other guys. I treat em terribly. Tell em what they wanna hear knowing I don’t even care. I’m a stringer onner cuz I don’t really care that much about most people’s feelings cuz most don’t give a damn about mine. it takes a lot for me to care about someone, but when I do I give them the worllllld, even if they only give me a couple acres in return.
I think its interesting though that no one wants to taste their own medicine. Quick to break a heart with no remorse, but cry for mercy when someone takes a stab at theirs. *shrugs* c’est la vie. My friend once said All is Fair in Love and Heartbreak. Truly is.
I didn’t mean all is fair meaning someone stomps on your heart so you stomp on theirs!
Your male friend reminds me of me and Andrea’s Kurnathan (name combo!) this person it not meant for you. Some people come into our life for a reason, others just for a season.
This right here is something to freakin think about:
Also when you love someone unconditionally, sometimes that condition is that they don’t love you back
oh Shannon…I’m crying
Beautiful Shannon
Very poignant, thanks for sharing. Kinda wish this didn’t hit so close to home so I could say more… :/
I love it!
This story applies to me in so many different ways & it looks like other females can also relate.
I came here reading .. Damn ! this is the stuff I miss reading, then I see its dedicated to me !
Thankss alot Shannon
Very Deep!.. made me almost feel uneasy ..
wow! great read! i haven’t felt so captivated by writing in a minute. and great advice! and who’s that hot girl in the photo
THE BEAUTIFUL lady in the photo is Maya Washington aka the mama of http://FrugalArtist.blogspot.com
y does love have to be so crappy. i am constantly torn between wanting to be madly in love & wanting to never fall in love.
“When we all know what unrequited love feels like, why do we always wait for the other person to spell it out for us before we understand it?”
I really wish I knew the answer to that.
This story reminded me of a situation that I promise I try to forget at least once or twice every day. It keeps popping up in my head because apparently that’s what the “resolved but unresolved” sort of feelings do.
Thanks for this honest post, Shannon.
Wow I really feel this
you disappear, great song choice
Dope story (well not so dope if it actually happened to you)…I’ve done the stringing along but tried to justify it by letting the girl know that she’s pretty much being taken for a temporary ride (still no better)…but karma is a wonderful lesson…will I take heed though?
Thanks for making me have a much needed chat with myself
I like how the snow brush is used as a symbol of your heart
trust. we’ve all been there. nice piece!
Sad situation to be but true because a lot of person can refer to it.
Love the way it’s written.
Have you ever wrotte about Love Jones or Love at First sight?
Good continuation WildGirls
xoxo
this was … gripping. i couldn’t have read this at a better time. i have not relapsed in a while but today, today i began to read old emails and look at old photos that brought me back to … those days. and i realized that i am still holding on to nothing. i’ve grown to understand that my relationship with Christ promises more to me than the unrequited love i long for. i can’t fathom living a day longer chasing the wind. it’s hopeless.
i can’t continue opening up wounds that have been healed. it hurts. so much more.
i feel as if i am straying from the topic, but thank you so much for being open and honest. this was a beautiful piece. you write so well. so refreshing.