Casual Sex, Hooking Up, F()kc Buddies: Think About it Mondays
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photography by Shannon Boodram
If it isn’t your boyfriend/ girlfriend and you are sexually active with someone, please feel free to choose one of the titles to describe your relations: Casual Sex, Hooking Up, F___ Buddies. Point blank dears it isn’t “complicated” or “different” it just simply is what it is.
This post is really in anticipation for Teen Vogue writer and author Rachel Simmons, who will be featured here in our first “Wild Girl Exposed” post within the next week. On her blog she wrote a very controversial post, “Why The Hookup Culture is Hurting Girls” The article sparked rebuttals from several blogs and a lengthy conversation from hundreds of women. So I figured we would continue things here, to see what your take on this is.
I genuinely have mixed feelings on the new sexual revolution where it’s okay to put the body first and feelings second. The story above (sorry guys I had to take this out for the repost) is something I wrote about a teenage sexual relationship that I had with an ex-boyfriend whom I desperately wanted to take me back. Knowing that I was giving up my body in hopes of getting someone else’s heart should make the scenario pretty clear to you so don’t feel bad for me because real talk I was on a big time dummy ride.
To anyone whom has ever read my book LAID, my feelings on no-strings-attached sex should not be a mystery to anyone. Most famously I described hooking up as the microwave burrito of sex – a quick fix to your hunger that often seems like a decent idea at the time but later has you questioning if you were really that damn hungry. But today I’ll avoid punchy one-liners to try to really get into the meat of this topic.
I think that for majority of people, casual sex without commitment is a bad idea BUT for the minority it can potentially deliver exactly what it promises: a quick fix with no mess. So how do you know if you are in the minority? Well dang, that’s the smartest question you’ve asked all day
If you go to France and you speak French, you’re experience is going to be that much richer. Sex is a planet and every kind of sexual experience is its own country. If you’re in to hookingup then you should know how to speak the language? Wanna learn some words right now?
No move it here
Circular please, like this
Stop, that hurts
Do you see any pedals on me? Slow down I’m not a damn bike
Pull here … push there … kiss this … don’t touch that … now let me hear you SAY MY NAME!!!
LOL you get the point I hope. If you’re sleeping with someone who does not know you super well, then unless you spell it out in Times Bold font, they’re not gonna know what works for you (even if you’re sending smoke signals with your signature I’m not happy look). Secondly, if you’re sexually active with someone who is not emotionally invested in you what makes you think they’re going to give two flying hoots what you want unless you’re vocal about it?
Casual sex almost has to be more honest than sex with a committed lover because you’re not supposed to be worrying about anyone else’s feelings other than your own.
Which brings me to my next point, if you go to a Latin club and you know how to chop it up the dancefloor with your salsa skills like nobody’s business, you’re gonna have more fun. Do your research folks. There is not much room for trial and error in the casual sex realm, so if you don’t know what you like going in I wouldn’t bank on being a guru on you’re way out.
See what I mean, it’s complicated even when it’s not supposed to be complicated. A hookup can be a positive experience when both people know exactly what they want and they know exactly how to explain their wants to one another. Because of the way the male body is manufactured I would say that a large percentage of guys are able to have a successful casual encounter simply because it seems pretty simple for them to “get theirs” (I don’t have a penis so don’t quote me on that). This is why, to my belief, casual sex should have a more extensive decision-making process if you are a woman.
Universally, sex has no guarantees but at the very least it is supposed to provide physical pleasure. This should be your primary motivation for no-strings sex. If you’re hoping for anything else then let me break something down for you… nowhere on your body does it say INSERT SOMETHING HERE FOR: love, acceptance, attention, popularity, cool points, cuddles, kisses or kicks. So if you’re engaging in casual sex to achieve the former then I’d say it’s okay as long as you proceed with caution. If you’re doing it in hopes of anything listed in the ladder STOP, DROP AND FLEE THE SCENE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE.
That’s my word on hooking up. Now tell me:
Do you think sex should ever be regarded as a big deal: why/ why not?
What do you think the pros and cons of casual sex are
Is a positive sexual relationship the same thing as a positive hookup?
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So all throughout my teenage career, sex was like a taboo. all i knew was that it was such a great experience and that the guy would always know what you needed to “feel good”… I got myself in alot of crap because of my naive thinking and gullible mind set.I do not regret my past, because it def help shape me to be a smarter and wiser woman, but i def took the long, back road. And i fell…
Sex should be regarded as a big deal. always. I have always treated as such. That is like a bond between two people, human beings exchanging each others bodily fluids and trash and they are ultimate interconnected,… I think that because of our “easy access culture” people do not understand the power of SEX, especially females. We are always the ones to get hurt first, thinking that “maybe “he” will love me if i have sex with him”- mentality. This seems to be a real trend throughout the young women in this society. You can see this example on “16 and pregnant” alot of the girls are helpless and a little childish, seemingly yearning nourishment. Also, I think there is not enough sex education out there for our youth. In terms of staying healthy and smart if one is going to engage in sexual activity, go to the doctors, use a condom, and DONT be afraid to check your partners history out, like ASK about getting tested and other stuff like that…
I dont really believe in “hooking-up”… I think that if your going to hook up with someone, you obviously have to be attracted to them, and that is like a relationship in and of itself. if you are sharing such intimate physical activity then that is a relationship and there are guidelines and feelings that should be established. At least for me, I am def a lover. I cannot just simple have sex with some person and not expect to feel anything. Isn’t that what makes us human being?
PS. Shannon, where was this advice 4 years ago??? Like your beliefs and ideas are so damn reall… Damn, I am def going to recommend your book to some of the teenagers I tutor!!
Keep speaking the TRUTH
Do you think that sex should be regarded as a BIG DEAL?
Yes, it should. From the moment that a child/teenager believe or think that it isn’t…then STD’s and early pregnancies no longer become a big deal, reason being why we have so many teenagers pushing baby strollers and thinking that it’s cool and cute. “News Flash….it ain’t that S*** is tacky, and to those who have the sense that God gave them, know that is it not cute. It has even got to the point that it is a trend, like how clothes, music, and fashion come and go out of style. We have grandparents who aren’t even old enough to be grandparents anymore, hence the saying, “Babies having Babies.” They say that the children are our future, but to be honest, I am afraid for what the future holds, because MANY teenagers/young adults lacks the education and the survivor tactics needed to live on and continue lifes cycle. Our generation is so damaged that they no longer have the mentality to raise a village or even a child for that matter. I believe education starts at home, you learn to eat, crawl, walk, talk at home, so the sexual education should start a home. True enough, we have TV, music, movies, and our peers to tell you what SEX is, but if a child receives the proper education and talking that they need at home, then what they hear on the streets should not fathom them. But once again, many people weren’t brought up like that, so who is to say that their children won’t be brought up the same way. It’s like the blind leading the blind.
What do you think the pros and cons of casual sex are?
I have my mixed feelings toward casual sex. I have had my share of that, and me personally that doesn’t fit me, and if I knew what I know now, I would have not gone certain paths. But I choose not to regret anything because everything that I have experienced made me the woman I am today. I am completely healhy, in-shape and I am comfortable in my skin. I believe to each it’s own if you choose to have it or not. The MAIN POINT that I must make is that casual sex is NOT meant for everyone. If you can not emotionally detach yourself from sex, no holding, cuddling, sparks (NON-SEX Sparks), extra conversation, no contracts, no strings, no nothing but the task at hand, then casual sex is NOT for you!!! But the main ingredient to casual sex is….UNDERSTANDING from the jump. Before you act on the deed, both parties MUST know the official aggrement, and that is whatever you both set. If you understand the deal, then go do what it do. If at anytime you second guess anything, get up and run because there is no negotiating on the terms and no going back. Once you establish what you are, 9 times out of 10, that is where you will remain. I hate to sound like a lawyers, but that is what it takes.
Is a positive sexual relationship the same as a positive hookup?
No, I don’t believe that they are. A hook-up is exactly what it is, A HOOK UP, whether positive or negative. A person has NO obligation to please you, they can choose too if they want. BUT, a positive sexual “relationship” to me means “healthy relationship”…and pleasing your partner is no longer an obligation or chose, it’s a wanting and needing to pleasure them, it’s the “selflessness” that seperates the two topics. And depending on the couple and their true feelings for each other, the sayings, “Baby, I want you to cum first” or thinking “ok, my baby got hes/hers, now I can cum next” …that is no longer the case, it now is, “baby, let’s cum together, let’s rise together” that moment builds the bond even stronger…because you both are experiencing the most orgasmic feelings together, which makes the relationship even more powerful.
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Hi Shannon,
Thanks for this i get myself in so much trouble when i was younger with casual sex i got hanging round with some crazy girls who just went out for 1 night stands and slowly i got addicted to the chase of quick one night stands with strangers which got me in so much trouble and i just couldnt find a boyfriend for ages i kept breaking up with nice guys so i could get back in the game. I see some of my old friends who settled down when i was still playing around and they seem so happy but i am now in my mid thirtys alone and sometime sad !
Thanks i ill look for your book, Kate