I think so much of the time we gamble with love: by chasing ungrateful guys who aren’t that into us, we risk the likeliness of a heartbreak to gain the small chance that we’ll gain a huge ego boost by winning the heart of this seemingly unattainable guy. Being the one special girl who can captivate a fickle guy and make him stick is the dream, right?

I can’t even imagine how bad an impact this probably has on so many girls’ self-esteem, even the self-assured ones. I’ve flirted with guys (not seriously, but still) and been rejected and felt horrible, but then I can always turn to the one guy who loves me and sticks with me. It’s like he has a little air pump to fill up my self-esteem when it gets low. But most rejected girls don’t have that.

Isn’t it horrible that deep down, so many women (present company totally included) let a man have so much influence on their self-worth? Somehow, your girlfriends can all tell you how wonderful and beautiful and amazing you are, and yet it still magically has more weight when it comes from a guy you like. It’s totally stupid.

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Andrea Lewis, Shandrea Lewdram. Shandrea Lewdram said: Ladies, are you attracted to the wrong kind of guys? is it all about "The chase"? http://tinyurl.com/yc7sckc Just wondering. [...]

Some women just tend to fall hard, they tend to fall MUCH harder than men. Men tend to take their time in EVERYTHING that they do…all that calling and checking on, and what are you doing, they can do that once a day MAYBE and be fine. We just want that comfort when WE want it, and so when we don’t get it with that call, we always think that maybe something OTHER THAN that he doesn’t want to talk, is wrong.

I think it’s just a matter of not pushing yourself on a guy and being so overbearing…I have done this before, called and it’s just awkward silence, it’s the WORST, but HEY it happens, LoL!

Who knows….but I wish girls would get off this whole if I chase him hard enough he’ll fall for me or if I change this about myself then he’s REALLY gonna like me.

NEWS FLASH.

You can’t make a guy appreciate you….a guy will only treat you how YOU let him treat you. Start off how you want to finish….and I don’t get this whole chasing thing anyway….if a guy is really interested in you, he’ll go above and beyond to try and get you. Real talk.

@ Naomi, everything you said is REAL!

Shannon I already told you about my “epiphany” moment, so I know this post is for me….smh

“it could all be so simple/but you’d rather make it harrrrd/loving you is like a battle and we both end up with scarrrrs/ tell me who I have to beeee to get some re-ci-procity…..is this just a silly game/that forces you to act this way”

The words of Lauren Hill and the story of my love life!

At the risk of making it sound like I’m defending those ingrates, I think a lot of men need to satisfy their own self-worth before really looking for a true partner. If I don’t have my ish together, a mate isn’t necessarily my first priority. But this is of course complicated by our sexual needs and desires. I’m not saying it’s right, and some are certainly more honest about it than others, but I think that’s how a lot of us operate. There’s an element of weakness on both sides.

I dunno though…there’s a fine line being jaded and pragmatic, and I’m still trying to figure which side I’m on.

can i start by saying that that guys lips r extremely attractive.

ok

Andrea i agree with that Lauryn Hill. I miss her. She definitely brought a lot of guidance in my life. key word off of ex factor is RECIPROCITY!–> if someone isnt giving the same effort towards you then dont waste time w/ em.

Some more words by L-boogie off of her unplugged album:

“Fantasy is what we want, but reality is what we need”.

Some women get caught up in attraction and sometimes begin to twist reality. ex. some might translate a guy saying “Oh I like your hair” to mean “Lets get married and have babies so our kid’s hair will be pretty too” ok that was exaggerating but i think that men are short-sighted when it comes to relationships just thinking of the “right now” when some women visualize a marriage between the two on a first date to see if it would work out lol.

Attraction is a powerful thing and some women tend to let the amazing things about a guy outshine all the negative stuff, because honestly i think that amazing guys are hard to come by.

Some also get caught up in The Law of Attraction which basically states that “if you really want something and truly believe it’s possible, you’ll get it”. That doesn’t always work and some people take it too far.

If you’re chasing someone, they’re probably running away from you. Conserve your energy, sit back, sip on a gatorade n wait for someone appreciative to stroll by.

Okay, when I read this post I couldn’t help but relate. From the phone ringing hoping it’s “that guy”, and it’s your friend, all the way to the awkward silence on the phone.

In my opinion, dating is one big crazy cycle. Meet a guy, somebody messes up..and it’s on to the next.

I honestly think that us as women tend to get our feelings in too deep, way too early. We get really attached, and expect phone calls or text messages all thru out the day to mean he’s into us, and that the relationship is making progress. And when we don’t get the calls/texts, we examine ourselves and wonder, “what did I do?” Please don’t blame yourselves!

Now this may or may not sound off, but we also want what we DON’T or CAN’T have. So I def agree with the statement “obsessed with the chase”. I know if a guy texted me ALL day and called all the time, that probably would turn me off. So I think it’s the same for men, a girl who’s too available might not KEEP him interested. He may want a challenge?

Also ladies, we have to have standards. So, go ahead and aim high..there’s a guy out there who will meet your standards…we just need to be patient

@ Mike I appreciate your honesty and on some level I think you are right.

why make someone a priority who treats you like an option?
I think as woman our emotions override logic. If we could just take ourselves out of the haze of infatuation and look at the situation objectively we would see it for what it really is. Respect is just a minimum (c) lauryn hill … and reciprocal. If we just ask ourselves ‘am I being disrespected’ and make that evaluation right then and there, we could save ourselves from much heartache and drama.

I’m not one for the chase, I am very direct and straight forward. I’m like those little notes we send each other in middle school. Do you like me? check box yes or no. If it’s no I keep it moving. Lol. I

@ Carissa, I didn’t even read your post until AFTER I posted. Lauryn Hill has gems eh?

@ Kali and @ Carissa I agree 100% with what you’ve both said!

oh an @Mike I appreciate your honesty, I’m truly starting to learn that guys are very very VERY simple! lol

Ohhh man, it’s crazy that you posted this. I just found my old cell-phone…. It immediately took me back to those days when I would pace around my room with the phone, wondering if it’s okay to call, has it been long enough? Wondering why he hasn’t called ME, maybe something’s wrong..

and then I got the bright idea to read some of my old text conversations… *sigh.. I LITERALLY felt sick to my stomach at how complacent I was… I was so ready to accept the lamest excuses of why he had to cancel, or why we couldn’t get together.. then there would be a string of messages from me, and like 1 response… I was the only one in the room yet I felt so embarassed…. Dead ass, I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror for a good hour..

Anyway I say all that to say… I FEEL you on this post! smh.. and I’m glad to finally be moving past that type of behaviour.. it’s a slow process (WHY do I still think about him?) but, I’m working on it, and I’m happy to know there are other ladies who can relate.

Ahhh this post! I’m experiencing something like it now… only not as bad as I used to I guess.

I get obsessed with the smallest gestures, before they actually mean anything. Maybe because I’m one to always look for details in a relationship, I’m one of those girls that look at old text messages and smile at the things he said, even though I know he said them only to make me smile not because he meant what he said.

There I was just this past weekend contemplating whether to call him or text him or put up a chat box.

I text once. No response. Put up a chat box once and got blown off. So, I gave up. Saw him today and he ignored me, when we were just together not too long ago.

I haven’t been through this in so long, and truth be told I don’t even know how I really feel about him, I think it’s mainly the fact that I know he’s blowing me off is why I’m obsessed with the fact that he is.

Anyway, my point–> I can TOTALLY relate to this post. I feel this. Thanks for posting this.

I think that peole need to realize they do tnot have the right to a relationship. Relationships are not a right but a privledge. You also do no have the right to demand love, no matter how accomplished, wealthy, attractive, good, or nice you think you are. One of the biggest mistakes i see men and women making is trying to match themself to a set of “superficial criteria” conceived in the minds of marketing interns or gossip columnists. And then thinking that they are entitled to demand the perfect lover. You are no more entitled to demand even the most undisirable person for a partner then you are to entitle friends. If people dont want your friendship they have a right to reject it. If people dont want your relationship they have a right to reject that also.

I think as women, whether optimistic ornot, we tend to want to see the good in everything and everyone. We have a way of, first of all creating too many standards for any man to reach, and only focusing on parts of their personalities that are compatible with ours. At the beginning of a relationship, or when we’re first getting to know somebody, we never look for or aknowledge traits that disagree with our own. Then act like it’s a big surprise when people aren’t who we thought. No matter how intelligent or understanding we are, we force ourselves into a naive understanding of men, which puts us in shitty situations in the end. We spend too much time looking for a perfect guy that the right one never has a chance to find us. Then if we finally meet someone who comes close to meeting our crazy criteria, we cling to them to the point where it just ends up pushing them away.

I grew up with boys, have 4 brothers, and a lot of guy friends. they don’t think about things the way we do. They just go with it. I tihnk it’s about time more women adopt that mentality. That doesn’t mean doing all the bad things men do. It just means stop trying so damn hard and taking things as they come. There isn’t much room disappointment when you don’t confine everything to certain expectations.

I have learned so much. Thanks everyone for sharing. I’m gonna have to invest some more time in seriously taking all of this in.

I love the TGAW community, we’ve always got the REALEST to say

I don’t believe in games, I try to respect a girl’s space both early in the dating stage and in a relationship.

As for why do great people often get attracted to those who are UNgreatful to be with them? I’m not too sure, but I think if you’re getting to know someone and whether they’re genuine about their actions or not, it’s cause and effect. So if someone mistreats you and says you were supposed to react a different way – thats ridiculous to me. I’m all for jokes and such but where does the honesty about your feelings come into the equation? For me if I’m into a girl I’m going to show it, I may tease and maybe even make an ass of myself clowning around, but make no mistake – I’m about getting into someone head over this or that, I just want to get to know a girl and see if the two of us are a good idea.

I’m sorry, I meant to say:

I’m NOT about getting into someone head over this or that, I just want to get to know a girl and see if the two of us are a good idea.

@ Carissa. These are who those lips belong to: http://thosegirlsarewild.com/2009/03/pictures-you-reeses-pieces-my-fab-friday/

My good friend Keegers

@Shayla… PREACH!!!

Isn’t it horrible that deep down, so many women (present company totally included) let a man have so much influence on their self-worth? Somehow, your girlfriends can all tell you how wonderful and beautiful and amazing you are, and yet it still magically has more weight when it comes from a guy you like. It’s totally stupid.

@Naomi I totally agree. This is what’s annoying about being a female in relationships. We’re not supposed to pursue, if we do we’re being annoying, overbearing, needy, etc.. But if a man does it he’s “going after what he wants” or just being persistent.
It’s almost as if we have little power over who we end up being with

@Dorian I majorly co-sign with everything u said

@ Mike you always make me think. I appreciate that you often play devil’s advocate – it’s VERY productive in discussions to have someone willing to do this

@JL F(*C% this loser. How dare he!!!
I text once. No response. Put up a chat box once and got blown off. So, I gave up. Saw him today and he ignored me, when we were just together not too long ago.
…jerk

@winterlotus, harsh but true. People DO have the right to reject you, I just wish our brain would allow logic to takeover rather than pride.

@Neosoul, aren’t u in love? U should be giving us tips from the master

@SahvanaD incredibly insightful girl. Thanks for that so much

Shannon. I am creeped out. That post about Keegan just super-solidified my belief that I AM the younger you. this is y.

So theres this guy in my life who I have that SAME kind of relationship with and his name is Kiegan! (Keegan spelled differently). I see him once a year because he lives in south Trini. He’s the only guy who i can honestly say truly gets me and appreciates me for ME and not other things. Even being so far away we are still super close. And when we get together its just the best of times. We’re friends that kind of “take it there” but not really cuz we realize that being physically being together is just a temporary thing. He’s prettymuch the only reason I get on msn chat and FB chat. Just an amazing friendship that i cherish and would hate to see end for some reason or another.

but anyway. u used to wear “airbrushed Airforces and neon plastic earrings.”? lol.

@ Shannon, tips really? I’m sure we’re all pretty well equipped and I certainly don’t claim to be a master, but having a partner who brings out this urge to want be better is awesome…it’s like discovering you can be Superman.

I’m curious though, what kinds of questions are out there? Is there something on the minds of our fellow TGAW-ers itching to be asked?